9.26.1986/age 16

      There are still so many things I haven't straightened out, even now. I tend to blame everything on Matthew's death, and it's unfair and disrespectful of me. I also feel he has been forgotten, and I'd like him to be remembered. I don't know what will become of these writings, but they have a personal purpose.

      The most asked question about Matthew is "Why?" And I wish I had a solid answer. I do have several theories. First of all, at that period in time [when he shot himself] he was on a lot of ludes. Ludes will give you lots of guts and twist your mind. Enough will kill you, People expected all this of him years ago; the tendency has always been a part of him as it has always been a part of me. or was. Matthew had taken a pile of ludes before putting that rifle to his head and I'd like to think he didn't really know what he was doing -- but I'd be very wrong. Matthew must have had this planned for a very long time. he had the ludes for a while. He just didn't tell anyone.

      You couldn't say he was aa strong person: he was kind but he'd been stepped on too many times. I don't think Matthew could believe that someone could really love him and make it work.

      So, don't ask me why. I wish I knew.

© 1986/2001